"I don't know C!", is probably one of the most common excuses that us PHP nerds give for not contributing to PHP source. And top it off with all the overly-publicized drama surrounding the PHP internals mailing list, most user-land PHP developers don't want to touch PHP source with a ten foot pole. In this talk I tell my story of how a plain-old user-land PHP nerd who, "doesn't know C," found himself drawn to PHP internals like a bug to a light. I was meet with a lovely helpful community of individuals who mentored me the whole way to making PHP better. This talk will encourage and inspire you to join me on an epic journey to the center of PHP.